Fun, energetic girl seeking new friends around their early twenties …
Okay, I love my friends to death, but I am hoping that maybe after this post I can finally let this issue go.
I have many amazing people in my life. I have always been blessed with loving caring people, but I find that they tend to only stay so long. Don’t get me wrong, there are those who have stuck by my side through the thick and the thin, but I am finding out that people my age are just plain selfish!
Throughout my life, I have always tried to be a giver; stopping off to grab coffee for a friend before meeting with them, buying dinner, giving flowers as little pick-me-ups, and trying to stay connected even if we didn’t go to the same college. Yet, as I am facing my hardships, I am wondering where the friends are who want to give to me during my time of need?
(That sounds kind of selfish, and when I do those things I don’t like to take anything in return. But... it would be nice to be surrounded by people who want to give like I do.)
I have found that during this time, I haven’t had anyone around my age to turn to. Yes, I have an amazing group of older friends that love me and are there for me, but, they all have families and I don’t want to be a bother or another added stress in their busy lives. It would be nice if I could just have some true friends around my age to chat with.
It has been a harsh reality because I have always kind of known in the back of my mind that they were “selfish” and used me but it didn’t occur to me how much until this trial in my life. Honestly, when I receive bad news or just need a shoulder to cry on, I have found that I don’t know where to turn. I would like to call my friends but 1. They don’t answer or return my calls and, 2. I have found that I may not really know who to call during my emergencies because I don’t know if they will be there or not.
I realize that I am at a different place in my life than the rest of the people my age. I also have come to terms with the idea that they don’t know what to say to me because of what I am going through. All of that is okay and I have tried my hardest to accept it. But I am still waiting for that group of friends that will carry me in my times of need and laugh through all of the changes with me.
~Katie
Photo Credit: 3 Friends_5 by lusi
Source: sxc.hu
Source: sxc.hu
Hi Katie - I can relate a little bit to how you are feeling. I recently had a prophylactic double mastectomy - I don't have cancer, just a very high risk of getting it - so the best option for me was to remove my breasts (ovaries too, last October) to avoid getting it. Anyway, as many people that were there for me, and there were a lot, I couldn't help but feel the sting of those that were missing - it's been 6 weeks since my surgery now, and there are still some people (some close friends, some casual friends, even some family members) that haven't bothered to so much as ask how I'm feeling. Like you, my first thought would be to drop off a meal, or stop by to visit, do or say something, no matter how uncomfortable I felt, or how much I didn't know what to say, I'd at least TRY to be there for them. I haven't had that same courtesy extended back to me, and it does hurt. For about 5 weeks I decided that I wasn't going to have anything to do with them anymore. I saw one of them in a store the other day and couldn't even look them in the eye. But a few days ago I decided to let the grudge go. It certainly wasn't hurting them any.. but it was weighing heavy on my heart, hurting me every day. I can't explain why people aren't there for you when they should be. Sometimes people just plain suck. Other times the have no idea what to say, so make the tragic mistake of saying nothing instead. I think it's okay for you to let them know how you are feeling. Maybe they are afraid to talk to you about what's happened for fear of making things worse. Who knows, however misguided they are, I really do think it's okay for you to let them know what you feel. If they still don't care after that, then move on. Spend your time with people that do care for you, that are there for you...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you're going through. How could I? You can never know unless you have been there yourself, and even then its not for sure. That's probably what they are thinking. They don't know what to say or do. That's a horrible excuse.
ReplyDeleteThey may not be able to relate in the big way, but in small ways they can. It makes me angry that they aren't sticking by you. I know how hard it is to try and handle a large and stressful situation without people your own age to lean on. In the end, that may just be harder than the original stressful thing itself. It may not be in your case, I wouldn't know.
In any case, do not give up on finding friends. There ARE other people in their early 20s who are giving and would stay by your side. It just takes a while to find them. But they are there. You will find them, because you deserve to find them. Someone, though I can't remember who now, once told me "The world only throws as much at you as you can handle" So if things seem unhandle-able they will fix themselves. Not completely, but enough so that they can be managed. You are strong. Everything about this blog screams that. Good luck :)
I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through, because of course I don't. But I can understand the feelings you're having toward your friends. Within the last year of my life I realized I was giving my all to certain people who weren't giving me anything in return. I began to feel like I was carrying the friendship entirely, almost like it was a job. Eventually I got to a point in my life when I had too many other stressful things going on - school, family illnesses and dysfunctionality, and my own health - to have time or patience to carry them. So I flat out told them: if you want to be friends, you have to make this work. I'm tired of carrying this friendship. I'm tired of giving and never receiving.
ReplyDeleteIt was a hard lesson for me to learn. My friends mean the entire world to me, and the idea of losing one will keep me up at night. But I'm not superwoman - I can't take care of them, and I can't force our friendship. In the end, I lost a contact with a few (what I had considered close) friends, but I was able to stop stressing over them. And the group of friends I did have became even closer to me.
Bottom line is this: I understand that some of your friends are nervous and scared for you / to be around you, and everything else. But you should be able to feel like you can call them in an emergency, if you need them. You true friends will always be there, even when you don't realize it, or expect it! I agree with E Boat up there. Don't give up on finding friends, because they are out there! They may be closer than you think :) Good luck!
Finding goods friends has been a stuggle for most women that I know. I think that it is times like this that true friends emerge where you never expected and God helps shed light on the relationships that are not so healthy.
ReplyDeleteAnd, just so you know us old people totally love to be blessed by your presence.
Katie, I think you are right about your friends being selfish. My personal opinion is that especially young people are just plain selfish. I can understand that you need to have friend your age, but there isn’t anything wrong to have older friends with more life experience. Just stick to the ones who care for you. Sometimes complete strangers will become your friends and you will feel more comfortable sharing things with people who you don’t know. Just be open for opportunities.
ReplyDeleteI have been only three years in US and I still can’t say that I have a close friend here. When my sister was diagnosed with cancer I start checking websites and forums where I can get some help for her. I met people who lost their boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, relatives only because they have cancer. In trials like this you see who your true friends are. On the other hand, for your friends will be hard to understand your situation, because they never been through that. I can’t really tell you what to do and how to find friends. But one thing is for sure someone will be there for you when you need. If you want you can check support groups, forums where you can find people your age and dealing with similar issues. Don’t despair and be open for opportunities:)
Emilia