(I know silly right?! After all through blogging I have received so much support, why would this be any different?)
This past week has been a difficult one. I found myself facing an array of mixed emotions, one minute I would be happy, sad, and then turn angry. I was shocked that someone’s emotions could change so quickly over nothing! I mean literally nothing! Earlier this week my mom and I were watching 13 Going On Thirty laughing and talking, she then asked me what I wanted for dinner said “I don’t know” and stormed out of the house feeling completely upset and angry.
I never leave the house when I am upset or arguing with my parents, nor have I ever gotten that angry when asked what I wanted for dinner. Normally, I jump for joy because I know it will be something I like!
So as I drove in my car, crying hysterically, I realized why I have been so on edge. It’s that my life is falling apart around me and I have no control over it!
(Warning for the next part)
While driving around all I could think about is what peace I would feel if I was to be hit by another car right now. (I am not suicidal so please don’t think I am. I could never have the guts to hurt myself or someone else. However, the idea of final peace and stability felt overwhelming.)
I have faced more tragedies than most see in a lifetime and with these tragedies come consequences or effects that impact my everyday life. Most of which I feel I may never overcome and it SUCKS!
Visiting friends this past weekend really got to me. I was happy to see them, don’t get me wrong, but it really put it into perspective that my life is not what a normal 20-year-old life should be. Visiting them gave me a feeling of being alone.
Now, I know what you all are thinking, “Alone?! Come on, you have a wonderful loving family surrounding you and a number of people praying for you…”
But the truth is, that is how I feel! My friends are so busy with mid-terms and their lives that I feel like I am standing behind them waiting to be pulled up to where they are. I never get calls or texts from them anymore checking to see how their days are going or how I am doing. I know they still care, but the feeling still lingers over my head.
That feeling especially hit home while driving to dinner last weekend with a guy I had been kind of seeing for awhile. We were sitting in his truck discussing where we saw our relationship going, given that he is now farther away.
As we were talking he said “I don’t think this could ever work because you have cancer and I can’t be there for you the way I should. I just need to focus on school and not worrying all the time about you.” I instantly blurted out, “Armadillo!” and started crying.
(I have no idea why I yelled armadillo it was the first thing out of my mouth but I was my way of saying stop you’re going too far!)
That single statement from his mouth made reality hit. Hard.
What 20-year-old guy would ever want a girlfriend who is battling cancer? Honestly, I cannot blame him. If the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I could do it either. With that, the feeling of loneliness popped into my head again. I realized that I am no longer surrounded by my friends or people my age and am unable to get close to someone all because I have this enormous “C” stamped across my forehead.
I also realized that through all the new health issues, I have stopped dealing with my emotions that surround my rape. For the past few months, I have been so consumed with everything cancer, I have stopped dealing with my emotions that follow the incident. I almost feel like I have taken steps backwards and am at the same spot I was a year ago. I no longer talk about it, and feel like the memories control my life. But I found this week that no matter how much I act like it doesn’t affect me it does!
Even though we are a state apart I find myself looking for him everywhere I go. On Tuesday, I went to the local grocery store and someone was wearing the same baseball hat he had. At first, my heart sank and I thought it was him. Luckily, it wasn’t, but I now find myself avoiding that store. I refuse to even drive near it.
I hate the fact that I cannot get his face out of my mind. I wake up every morning fearing that today could be the day I will come face-to-face with him.
If I learned one thing this very emotional week, it’s that I am not as strong as I like to think I am. Yes, I have faced many tragedies over the past year and am trying to make the best out of my situation, but between all of my emotions I have realized that my life is crazy and at times just plain sucks.
Thanks for reading this very emotional non happy-blog I promise that this week will be better!
~Katie
Hi Katie - honestly, if you weren't an emotional mess at least some of the time right now I'd think you were just in denial. You have been through so much, and have so much more to face, of course you are a wreck. You aren't REALLY crying over what to have for dinner... and I'd be willing to be that you aren't completely heartbroken over a guy you've only 'kind of been seeing' - but those are things that allow you to turn your anger/hurt/fear towards.. It's hard to just be angry at cancer. You can't yell at cancer. Not sure if this is making any sense. My feeling is just that you have been handed such a terrible, horrific hand, that your subconscious mind is looking for an outlet for that. I think blogging is going to help you a lot. Just being able to talk about this stuff, to vent that you are feeling forgot about by your friends in your time of need, or ditched by a boyfriend, instead of whisked away. Use this as your safe place - that's what it's for. I wish I could tell you that it'll all be okay, or it'll all get better.. I don't know the future, but I do know that you've already made a positive impact on MY life, a total stranger to you. You do more good by sharing, (yes, even the bad stuff!)than by keeping it all bottled up inside...
ReplyDeleteTeri
Hi Katie!
ReplyDeleteThere's never a single right way to deal with all the emotions one feels during crisis. But you are correct as is Teri, blogging them out is cathartic. It helps purge and leaves one feeling just a tad better -perhaps leaving a little room inside for a lovely thought or two.
Aloneness - yes I can relate in some small way. In the depths of my depression after years of sexual abuse, I found I could stand smack in the middle of the mall and feel like the only one there. I literally could just cry while people joyfully walked around me. I felt disconnect which I'm sure you unfortunately are well aquainted with.
I'm sure you've heard it all by now. You are so strong. You are amazing. How wonderful you are. Yet in the middle of it all, you still feel. You still process the emotions that come forth in your world which so don't match what others tell you. Try not to figure it out or analyze it. Just say thanks and know that you are making a difference in this world. No one could ever possibly know how you feel not even someone in a similiar situation because we all process differently. We know we believe in your ability to handle this. We believe in your spirit, and we believe that you'll find the sunshine through the clouds or the rainbow in the rainstorm.
All I can see is quality. You are making for yourself a high-quality life.
My love!
Katie- I totally know where your coming from. When I was 16 I had a little health scare my self and I told my guy friend and he was very supportive..now Im 21 and I dont speak to him again. Plain and simple he cant handle my up and down rollercoaster life.
ReplyDeleteIm curious are you going for chemo or anything?
If you get a chance read my blog..except for the cancer part it is similar to what you are struggling to deal with.
Tatie-
ReplyDeleteJesus experienced agony and dread in the garden of Gesthemane. It's not wrong to feel horrible sometimes. The beattitudes say that those who mourn are blessed. Maybe that's because they are less attached to this life and put more hope in the next. Sometimes I feel too upset to pray or to sing, but if I can force myself to sing a song of praise I feel it take affect on me and a little of the fear and despair disappear.
~Your sister-in-law