Monday, April 19, 2010
For the past few weeks my town has seen glimpses of summer. It is normally cold and cloudy but, lately it has been sunny and hot! Which is extremely rare for this time of the year. Today was one of those rare days. I had radiation and was dreading it, especially because it was so nice out. However, the nurse let me sit by the window instead of laying in the bed. I had my favorite Starbucks in one hand and a molasses cookie in the other. From my window I was able to see the Ronald McDonald House. I could see a number of families playing outside in the gorgeous sunshine. I saw children playing on the toys and running through a sprinkler. Watching all of this I could not help but smile. It reminded me of my summers as a little girl. Just as I was about to talk about the weather to the person beside me, the nurse was coming in to unhook me. Time flew by! I wish it would fly that fast every week ha ha. Isn't it amazing how the sunshine can just put people in a good mood!
Friday, April 16, 2010
1. I cannot believe I am admitting this but, I am addicted to reality tv. I know most of it is fake but if a reality show is on the screen I can't seem to turn the channel.
2. I enjoy watching sports. I think it is because I grew up with two older brothers and many male cousins. Nothing says fall Sunday's better than family, food, and football.
3. I have a soft spot for cars. ha ha. I enjoy reading about new cars online and dreaming about getting them. My dad has a lot of patients for me cause I am constantly asking for a new car ha ha.
4. I hate it when people touch their nose! For some reason it grosses me out.
5. I am slightly ocd. I can't stand it when I am dirty or my house is dirty. I don't even care if someone else is dirty or their house(even my parents house), for some reason it is just me! So I take two showers a day and am constantly tidying.
Can't wait to learn five things about all of you! Happy Friday!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
1. What color do you wear the most?
I don't think there is one color I wear a lot. But it does seem like lately I have bought many blue and purple things.
2. Would you rather have $10,000 dollars or a dream vacation?
This one is hard, I would have to say 10,000 dollars. I have been very fortunate to travel a lot in my life so having the money would be nice.
3. Do you have a weird, quirky or unusual habit?
I have a couple, but I think the most quirky one is the fact that I cannot stand shaken up water bottles. So if I open a water bottle and the water gets a few bubbles in it then I need to grab a new one.
4. I really need to start..........?
Putting pictures in my scrapbooks! I have found a new love for making mini-scrapbooks.I have about six now but none of them have pictures.
5. What was the first blog you ever read?
6. Do you collect anything?
I have always had a thing for butterflies, and have received things with butterflies on them. Although I don't think its enough to call a collection.
7. Tattoos. How many do you have and how many are visible when you wear your "everyday" clothes?
Zero, but that is changing Friday.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I come from a comparatively small town. It seems as though everyone knows everyone, and no matter where you go you are bound to run into someone you know. Living in such a small community means that news has the ability to travel fast. However, after being back home the last two months, I have found that people either know about your situation and want to ask questions, or surprisingly have no clue what is going on. So, as I do my day to day errands and run into people I haven’t seen, my conversations normally go something like this.
Them: Hey Katie, It is really good to see you! Are you in town visiting?
Me: No, I am actually taking some time off.
Them, being nosy (I am a very nosy person, so I understand that they want all of the juicy details):
Oh, are you working or something?
This is where it gets tough. I can either tell them I have cancer, or lie and say, "Yes, I am trying to save money for school." I have yet to lie to anyone, so, I somehow find it in me to plaster a smile upon my face, desensitize my situation into something like a bad cold, and respond, "I actually just found out that I have lymphoma, so I am spending some time at home trying to get better.”
I look at this conversation and hate it. It is not that I care if the whole community knows I have cancer or not, because the truth is that I do have cancer, and keeping it a secret in this town would be very difficult. I would rather they hear it from me than from someone else. I guess the part I hate is the fact that I feel the need to put on a smile and act like it’s a bad cold.
What is my other alternative? I mean what would you do if you ran into someone whom you had not seen in awhile, and all of the sudden they broke down and said they were battling cancer? I mean, come on, plenty of people are battling cancer and surviving every day. Why shouldn’t I be strong?
I think that’s where it truly becomes tough for me, and not so much the fact of telling the community or having the whole community know. It is the fact that I feel like I need to be strong. People constantly tell me “Be strong Katie, and hold your head high. You can get through this.” I believe this statement and I believe I can beat this, but truthfully I don’t know if I am this strong all the time and I don’t know how to get that across to people. In fact, it was not until a recent conversation with my ex boyfriend that I realized just how often I don’t feel strong.
The conversation started off with a simple “How are you doing?” I responded with my confident voice, “You know, surprisingly well. I feel okay right now and am just trying to make it one day at a time.” He responded “Katie be honest with yourself, I know when you are not doing okay, so don’t try and sugar coat it for me. So I am going to ask again ‘How are YOU doing?’’ I stood there silent and in shock. I have answered that question a number of times. It didn’t matter whether I was truly feeling okay or not it was just an autopilot response I use. So I looked at him and said without the smile on my face and fighting back tears. “I am scared! I tell people I am okay because I don’t know how to tell them otherwise without breaking down like this. But, then they act like nothing is wrong when sometimes I just want a hug and reassurance everything will be okay.” He then said to me, “You silly, of course they act like nothing is wrong. Even when I look at you and see you interacting with others and hearing your responses to that question I often don’t see the sick Katie that you are, I see the same old bubbly girl I have seen for years. How do you expect people to know you need reassurance when you hide it?”
He hit it right on the nose with that one. How can I expect people to lift me up in my times of need when I hide it?
So my questions to you are, how can you answer the everyday question, "How are you doing?" without losing it to someone you only kind of know? And how can you express to someone that sometimes you cannot be strong and may need a little reassurance?
I'd love to hear your thoughts, because I can't put my finger on how to deal with that one...
Monday, April 5, 2010
1. What year did you graduate high school?
2. Beach house or lake house?
I would have to say beach house. There is something about waking up looking out the window and seeing the waves crash against the beach.
3. Mac or PC?
I have a pc but I have to admit that I really want a mac book. The I-pad is coming out soon and I may just have to pick myself up one.
4. Did you wear braces?
Yes I did for about 6 months and hated them!
5. Would you rather cook or clean?
This is a hard one for me because it depends. I love cooking for a crowd but hate cooking just for myself. I also love the feeling of a clean house (partly because I am a little OCD when it comes to being tidy) but I don't know how much I really enjoy the cleaning part.
6. Which do you prefer... wordy blog posts or ones with pictures?
I prefer both, I love a good post with pictures that match whatever they are talking about.
7. Showers or baths?
I shower every morning, but if I am in the mood to relax then definitely a bubble bath with candles and a good book.
8. Whats one blog you read every day?
Silly mom thoughts- blog.lindsaymaddox.com
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
This idea about writing unsent letters struck a chord with me and I decided that I have a few letters that I wish to write myself (see my first letter below). I encourage all of you to post an unsent letter of your own. It doesn’t have to be titled to a certain individual, but just writing it down can be very therapeutic!
Dear Life Giver,
I have never seen your face, heard your voice, know where you live, or really anything about you. However, I can say that even though I know nothing about you, I love you and owe you everything.
Throughout the twenty years of my life I have felt many different feelings towards you. Anger and confusion popped into my head during my younger years for not fully understanding how you could let me out of your life. I would often wonder if you lied about yourself during the process to ease the pain of letting me go, or if you ever looked back at me as I lay in the incubator minutes old, wanting for just a split second to reconsider your decision about sending your baby girl half a world away.
I want to know if you dream to know what I look like, like I have dreamed about you; if, every year on my birthday you think about how much I have grown and the person I am now. Do you have a picture of me or am I merely a distant memory? I desire to know the answers about how you came to your decision about giving me up or how you envisioned my future.
But, whatever the dreams and visions are of me are and whatever reason made you decided to relinquish your parental rights, I want to personally thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My life is what any adoptive child could ever hope for. My family is amazing, supportive, and most of all, loving. Yes, at times we argue, bump heads, and I have been known in my younger years to scream “I wish I never was adopted into this family!” (Oh what a brat I could be and the tantrums I could throw!) But I would not change this family for anything.
I want to especially thank you for not being selfish. I think about my life and I don’t know if I possess the strength or courage to let my future children go. But you did it with grace, strength, and hope. You had no idea where in the United States I would end up, and lived with the idea that you would never see me or know anything about me.
As I am faced with all of these new obstacles in my life, I have realized that everything happens for a reason. I believe one of the reasons why God chose me to be adopted is to be able to overcome this part of my life. He had my whole life mapped out in His hands: He knew you held the power to give me away, that my new country has the resources to help me deal with my cancer, and that my family possesses the strength, support, and love I would need throughout my difficult times.
For those reasons alone, I thank you.
I think about you daily and hope that you know your decision to give me up was the best decision you could have ever made.